Let Loose

Dear Next Door Welders,

Hello, you might not know me since I do not speak es-span-yoll. I’m the short red head you eye fuck every time I leave the office. Thats right, smile and node Pedro, smile and nod. This isn’t about the indecent grunting and whistles you think I don’t hear.

This, my furry friend, is about gas. And not the flagellation kind.

See it started out as paint thinner. Three weeks ago I became woozy from it sitting at my front desk. The BBM (big boss man) thought I was crazy and told me to open the door. Then again about two weeks ago. I had to step outside six time in three hours to keep my head from exploding.

This morning when we opened the shop the smell of gas lingered all the way to the back corner of our warehouse. It danced on my desk and around the couches. We thought we had sprang a leak somewhere and called the gas company.

Turns out its you, our handy little neighbors. We worked with you through the saw and welding noise in the beginning. Could you keep a plug in your tanks as well? It’s just good business.

Nausiously,

The Front Desk Girl

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Dear Applebees Manager,

Thank you for dealing with the customer who made me cry yesterday during lunch rush. Offering her free desert truly made a difference in her attitude towards me, her meal, and our corporation. It even pursuaded her to leave me a whopping 5% tip (way to go girl!)

Now, if I may be ever so kind as to offer a suggestion. Train the hosts to not sit me six tables at once, the servers to come in on time and the cooks to read the orders placed and it might make her even happier.

Just a suggestion.

Yours even in extreme exhaustion,

NEVER picking up a shift again.

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Dear PMS

I understand that you are a little confused right now. All month you haven’t been getting your little happy pill that prevents me from having babies and mellows you out. I know it’s like your martini before bed, but really… with the crying. Do we really have to do the crying?

I expected the craps and the insane food cravings but come on now. THIS is getting a bit embarrassing. I mean, Manager Goose calls me Friday to go out for a drink and what do you make me do? Burst into tears on the phone. Sunday an angry customer gets into my face (see above) and what do you make me do? Cry in front of everyone at work. This is getting a bit extreme.

I’ll make you a deal. If you stop with the whiny woman bull shit thing I’ll give you a real vodka martini and encourage the idea of letting John Mayer push me up against a wall like you seemed to so desperately want on Saturday night.

And I thought I was desperate. Come on PMS… that’s a bit more scandalous then me.

Irritably yours,

The Stupid Girl Who Wore a Skirt Today

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Dear New Apartment,

I have found myself fondling the keys I forgot to return to the front office last week when I was finally allowed to walk through your halls. You’re perfect, even though you are missing my second window. We’ll just consider that the breast thats bigger then the other.

I reserved a Uhaul today from the 28th.

We are so close, and I can’t wait. You are what is getting me through this bad month. Thank you.

Lovingly,

Future Tenant KA

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Dear KirbyAnn,

Really? With the laziness. The room being destroyed, laundry thrown about and packing STILL needing to be completed.

Get your ass in gear.

Sincerely,

The more FOCUSED KirbyAnn

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Dear Creativity and Writing Spark,

Please come back. I promise I won’t be so abusive this time.

Forever yours,

The Writer

~ by kirbyann on June 16, 2008.