Confessions of an Insecure Fuck Buddy pt 2

December was when they met, but  she didn’t see him again until February. Her friend had encouraged her to come visit him at college for the weekend and after a night of drunken debauchery he bought her breakfast.

The flirtation was quick, and intense. There something about the way that their sarcasm meshed into a mutual battery. Love of books kept their conversations light. March came around and she went back for a visit for her birthday. Despite her fears of becoming emotionally attached she continued to defy her normal habits and officially transfered the flirty friend, to a fuck buddy.

She lost a lot of respect for herself in that first week. Not only had she become a fuck buddy, unbeknown to her she had become the other woman.

Hurt, betrayed she confronted him. “She’s my ex,” he confessed. “She’s more of a habit I’ve never broken.”

“I’m not the type of girl to play second.” She admitted. “I have an issue with that.”

“Well I’m ending it,” he assured her. “But I’m not looking for a relationship.”

She laughed. “Neither am I. But I’m not going to sleep with you while you’re sleeping with other people.”

“Fair enough,” he said. “I won’t.”

And thus it officially began.

They were good for each other. She knew how to stroke his ego. She made him feel empowered, wanted. He made her feel beautiful and intelligent.

May was their first break-up. “I don’t think we should sleep together anymore,” he had told her. “I feel like it’s getting to a point where I either need to shit or get off the pot.”

On some level she appreciated not being shit on. On another level her pride was wounded. How could she be dumped by someone she wasn’t in a relationship with? She didn’t take it the easiest, but she survived.

The separation didn’t last long. By October they were back to their old habits but it was different this time around. He would be evasive and distant then close and personal. On New Years she had to hunt for him to kiss him at midnight. But he was jealous. Jealous when she flirted with someone else, afraid of her falling for someone else. He was a contradiction, and she was growing comfortable with their situation.

She was a very perceptive person. It caused problems. She could tell there was problems, she could feel the lies and deceit. In April she made a decision that she didn’t trust him anymore. She gave him an ultimatum which was very unlike her.

He didn’t choose her.

The next two months was difficult. Their friendship was stressful and her insecurities drove him crazy. She thought he was sleeping with his ex again and it hurt her. She thought he was sleeping with her friend and it killed her. She realized in the last year and a half she had become attached and it scared her. The feelings of necessity came back, and she was afraid to lose him.

He left that summer to attend an REU program 1200 miles away. She went nearly three months without him. At first it killed her. She buried herself under two full time jobs. She focused on her family, her father who was sick. Her best friend from high school decided to confess his undying love for her. She started sleeping with his best friend instead. Again she felt cheap, used, alone. Shamefully she was the other woman. She missed him, but she tried to not think about him. Tried not to think about the mistakes. She would never admit it, but she counted down the days till he came home.

to be continued

~ by kirbyann on February 26, 2008.